The Event 2014

Hey everyone,

I hope you had a safe Fourth of July. I want to start by thanking you for your support and encouragement this year. Together, we raised nearly $10,000 for pediatric cancer research. That is so awesome. Thank you.


As most of you are probably aware, the event took place on June 22nd. I performed very well and placed 3rd overall out of over 120 competitors. I successfully defended my title as “Wall Street’s Fastest Man” and also won the Vertical Jump competition. I like the sound of “Fastest and Most Explosive Man on Wall Street.”

I will offer detail on every event below. But first–in the spirit of Independence Day and red-blooded American competition, please rise and remove your hats for the playing of our National Anthem…

For those who are confused, that was a large man exerting ENTIRELY TOO MUCH energy to play the oboe ( For those wondering, yes, I am available for performances (maybe even in a Godzilla suit). For those judging…I have no rebuttal.

For some reason, I didn’t get the call for event day. So instead we heard a beautiful rendition from American Idol finalist Karen Rodriguez. That then brought us to an old friend, the 400 Meter Dash.

Event 1: 400 Meter Dash (53.64 seconds)

A quick bit of history: Last year I ran what my brother termed “The Most Impressive / Embarrassing Race Ever.” I came out of the gates (way too) fast and built a sizeable lead (impressive), only to seemingly get hit by a tranquilizer dart and proceed to fall in painstakingly slow motion (EMBARRASSING). I lost my lead and staggered across the finish near the back of the pack. For the last 11 months, I’ve had to endure nicknames like “The 350 Meter Man.” Let’s just say I was incented to stay on my feet.


If that look doesn’t just scream confidence, I don’t know what does. However, I had a few of things working in my favor:

1. We ran in lanes, so I had an actual idea how fast I was running
2. Jason Price ran a 49.3(!), so I didn’t have to worry about winning
3. I actually had a race plan!

Headed down the back stretch, it didn’t feel like I had cement blocks tied to my feet:


But, to clarify, it was still painful:




JK! I didn’t fall during the race, but even Tim Howard couldn’t save me after I leaned at the finish line.


Sometimes you just have to give the people what they want.

Event 2: Football Throw (56 Yards)


I’m no physicist, but I honestly have no idea how the ball above traveled 56 yards. I’m obviously no quarterback, either. So I was pretty happy with this.

Event 3: Pull-ups (20 Reps)


Pardon me, 20 pull-ups and 4 chins.

Event 4: 40 Yard Dash (4.40 seconds – “Wall Street’s Fastest Man”)

I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I can keep up my speed while sitting in a desk chair every day. And the answer, my friends, is visualization…

The start is all about explosion.
_Explosion 40
Any Hollywood folks out there–have your people get in touch with my people.

Imagine you’re being pursued by something that absolutely terrifies you.
_Jafar Snake 40
Editor’s note: I have an irrational fear of Jafar from Aladdin.

_TRex 40
When a T-Rex is chasing you, DO. NOT. BREATH.

_Stampede 40
RIP Mufasa. It still may be too soon.

Let your “magic legs” take over.
_Forrest 40
And run for Jenny, obvi.

Run through the finish line. DO NOT LOOK BACK.
_Police 40

All joking aside, the 40 is all about technique. 🙂

Event 5: Dips (41 Reps)


This was an improvement over last year. I’ll take it.

Event 6: 500 Meter Row (1:24.90 seconds)

Ask anyone that competed–this was the hardest event. A great result for me, as I shaved 4 seconds off last year’s time. Pure pain.



“Faces of Anguish” 2014 Wall Calendar, coming soon.

Event 7: Vertical Jump (38 inches – Event Winner)

Playing the “be as short as possible” game

No caption necessary, aside from…

MIB Face

Event 8: 20 Yard Shuttle (4.21 seconds)

Getting all of the line

UPDATE: Through 8 events, I am in 1st Place.

_Pizza Rolls

Event 9: Bench Press (26 Reps)

Obama Not Impressed

I am no longer in 1st place. This is a poor result.

Event 10: 800 Meter Run (2:30.97)

I wasn’t able to pull out the victory, but I did finish strong. I also made sure order was maintained in the Ivy League football hierarchy.

Passing Yale football alum Tom McCarthy

Passing Penn football alum Jared Sholly

And now is the part where I mention that both men were former defensive linemen…


And with that, I have finished my second RBC Decathlon. My experience this year was extremely fulfilling, and I fully intend to compete again.

It has also come to my attention that people actually enjoy these posts. And that makes me smile. So thank you–for putting up with me, but mostly for all your support. I will miss writing these posts, but mostly because I will miss interacting with all of you. Please stay in touch, and please keep reminding me how fortunate I am to know each and every one of you.

My very best,


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