Some of you may be asking yourself right now, “Who the heck is this guest
blogger, and what qualifies him to shamelessly solicit money from me?”
Undoubtedly that’s a valid question, and I won’t lie — Ryan Zych sounds
like a used car salesman name if I’ve ever heard one. But given that I
have shared a womb, middle name, and bedroom for 18+ years with the creator
of this blog, I feel I have earned the right to share my thoughts on
Collin’s quest to become the biggest banker meathead in all the land.
Let’s call a spade a spade — Unless your name is Bill Gates, Brad Pitt /
Angelina Jolie (what up girl), Bono, or the Red Cross, donating money to
charity probably isn’t at the top of your to-do list. Add in the fact
that this donation doesn’t yield Girl Scout Cookies, a sweet travel mug, or
at the very least super cute return to address stickers for letters and I
bet you’re wondering, “What’s in it for me if I choose to support Collin
Zych?”. As my brother addressed above, your donation will go towards
helping children with cancer – obviously a worthy cause. But what else?
Collin set this blog up in an attempt to reach the maximum amount of people
and also to provide an entertaining way for everyone to track his progress.
Although the blistering, two post per month pace he’s maintained thus far
is overwhelmingly impressive, I’ve let him know that in order for this to
really catch on he’s going to need to pick up the pace. So to jumpstart
this process I’ve agreed to step up and “help a brother out”. Without
further ado here is my first contribution: “Collin Zych: A Look Inside of
the Mind of Everyone’s Favorite Washed Up Dallas Cowboy Decathlete”
For those of you who weren’t around for Collin’s adolescent years, you may
look at him now and think he’s the perfect example of the All American boy.
He’s athletic, got good grades, graduated college, and now has a great job.
What you may not know, is that Collin T Zych has always been a rebel. Let
me give you some examples:
Example 1: While most children under 10 years old were perfectly content
with the meals provided to them by their parents and school cafeterias,
Collin longed for more. He continually sought that extra nutritional edge
that would give him a competitive advantage over the other kids in the
annual Field Day 40 yard dash. One day we all found out what he was doing
on the side to get that edge (and I really wish I was joking here) – Eating
Dog Food. I won’t lie to you, being the curious young Zych I was, I tried
it once too. It was terrible. Collin, however, was what a parole officer
would call “a repeat offender”. He secretly continued this absolutely
savage behavior until he finally realized a) dog food was disgusting or b)
my mom threatened to kill him.
Example 2: To illustrate his rebellious nature further, Collin continued to
use unconventional training techniques to gain an advantage over his
opponents in middle school. Instead of picking a normal or remotely manly
instrument to play, he went out on a limb and chose The Oboe – and for
those of you not familiar with band instruments… it’s a glorified clarinet…
which is a glorified flute. To Collin though, the THREE YEARS he chose to
play it weren’t just a laughable attempt to find his niche and fit in. Oh
no – they were a golden opportunity to work on his lung capacity and power.
(…or at least that’s what I’m hoping. I’m struggling to find any other
logical reason why he would have chosen a flute like instrument otherwise)
Example 3: So nowadays, it seems logical that Collin would once again be
using some unorthodox method to gain an advantage over his competition.
Don’t let the beach bench press video above fool you. Unlike the typical
24 year old male who avoids heavy squats, plyometrics, sleds, or olympic
platform lifts (a philosophy I have fully, and happily embraced), Collin is
still consistently doing workouts no investment banker / non-professional
athlete should be doing. To each their own I guess, let’s all just be
happy he’s gaining his edge in a non woodwind, acceptable for humans way
this time. Hopefully the nutritional and cardiovascular benefits he gained
as a younger Zych will mesh nicely with his current irresponsible workout
routines and lead to some success in these games (he better win after all
of this or I will ruthlessly make fun of him for the rest of his life)
All joking aside — this is for a great cause and Collin is taking this
very seriously. If we’ve learned anything as a country from the last few
weeks it’s that there are always less fortunate people who need our help
and support. Whether it’s through giving blood, a random act of kindness,
or supporting a guido banker, every little bit helps. Thanks to all who
have donated so far.